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"Talk Truths for Husbands and Wives" by Jim Priest
Some things you can learn in a class. Some things you can learn from books. But some things you just have to learn in the old fashioned school of hard knocks. That’s the way it was for my wife and me in learning how to communicate.
One of our lessons came many years ago when Diane and I sat down to talk about an issue at her job. She poured out her heart about how different people’s personalities affected the issue, how she felt about the issue, how the issue seemed insolvable. I spent much of the time thinking about how I could fix the problem. But the more Diane talked, the more it seemed there was nothing I could do to help. Finally, after listening patiently for what seemed like a very long time I blurted out in frustration, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" Diane sat in stunned, incredulous silence for a moment. Finally she slowly said "I don’t want you to do anything. I just want you to listen."
Wow. What a revelation. The truth I learned that night is this: Men, you don’t have to fix everything. Sometimes, you just have to listen attentively.
Most men engage in conversations with their wives with their tool belt strapped on. We think we have to fix everything, including their problems. But most of our wives don’t want us to fix their problems--they just want us to listen. It’s important to know which conversations are "I just want you to listen" conversations and which ones are "I need your help to fix this" kind of conversations.
Which leads me to the second important truth about talking: Women would do well to give men a quick summary, up front, about where their conversation is heading. It sounds unnatural to a woman, but most men want the key information at the top of the talk. We like to know where the conversation is heading before we get fifteen minutes into it.
Case in point: The woman has a rough day. The people at her job treated her unfairly. She’s stressed out with projects. The kids forgot to do their chores. She wants to express her frustrations to her husband. What’s the best way for her to do that in a way that lets her man know where the conversation is heading? I’d suggest something like this: " I have had an incredibly rough day and I just need you to listen to me unload for about fifteen minutes." Perfect. Now the guy knows he doesn’t have to fix anything. He knows where the conversation is heading, and he has an idea how long it’s going to last. In a man’s mind, this is helpful signposting.
These ideas may not work for every husband and wife, but application of these two talk truths can save a lot of frustration in most marriages. Take your tool belt off, men. Put your signposts up, ladies. Talk about these truths with your spouse this week.
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