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"Sandbag Your Marital Foxhole" by Jim Priest
When soldiers anticipate an attack they often dig a foxhole and then stack sandbags around the top for an extra measure of safety. The phrase "sandbag your foxhole" has come to mean "taking extra safety precautions in a dangerous situation."
I thought of that phrase the other day when my friend, Ken, related a problem he was experiencing with his dad. Seems Ken’s dad didn’t like Ken’s wife, Sarah. "Never should have married that girl," the dad would say, shaking his head. Ken’s dad did everything he could to drive a wedge between Ken and Sarah. He promised to take Ken on a vacation--if he left Sarah home. He offered Ken season tickets to OU football games-- on the condition he not take Sarah. He invited Ken to dinner-- if Ken promised Sarah would not accompany him. Needless to say, Ken’s dad was undermining Ken’s marriage.
Ken was going along with his dad’s demands but felt torn between two people he loved. "I know the Bible says to leave your parents and cleave to your wife, but it also says to honor your parents." Ken lamented. "I want to honor my father, but I also want to be loyal to my wife. How can I make a choice between the two?"
I told Ken he had already made his choice when he married Sarah. "You’re correct about wanting to honor your father, but by going along with his demands you’re dishonoring your wife," I advised Ken. "You must communicate to your dad that Sarah is your number one priority."
"But what can I do?" Ken complained. "I can’t disown my dad!"
Here’s what I suggested to Ken:
1. At an appropriate time and place, explain to your dad that you love him very much but you can no longer go along with his behavior toward Sarah. Tell him you want to have a relationship with him but you won’t do so at Sarah’s expense. You don’t necessarily have to include Sarah in every single activity with your dad, but you need to refuse to participate where your Dad has chosen to exclude her.
2. Remember that whatever message you send to your dad also carries an unspoken message to Sarah. If you continue to go along with your dad’s demands you’re telling Sarah "You’re not as important to me as my dad." That’s not a message we should ever send to our spouse. Instead, you want to communicate to Sarah she is a "10" on your ten scale, and that you will do whatever it takes to preserve and protect your marriage.
Ken’s dad was lobbing hand grenades into Ken and Sarah’s marital foxhole. Ken promised to begin sandbagging his foxhole to protect his wife and marriage from his dad’s assault.
All married couples need to protect their spouse against attacks that threaten their marriage. It might be an attack from a parent, unreasonable demands from children, or "helpful advice" from friends who suggest divorce. Make sure your spouse knows they are your highest priority and you will protect them. Sandbag your marital foxhole.
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