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"United We Stand" by Jim Priest
Jay Kessler, noted speaker on parenting, believes that when babies are in born, a hospital worker whispers in their ear, "Divide and Conquer, Divide and Conquer". Kessler says this must be so because, at a very early age, kids know how to pit one parent against the other. Whether it’s seeking permission or avoiding punishments, children seem to know how to get what they want by inducing an argument between parents. I tried it when I was a child and so did my own kids.
After we married and had children, my wife and I tried very hard to keep a united front with our children. We made it a point to never debate kid issues in front of the kids. If we disagreed about a request or some punishment, we discussed it privately. My daughter once remarked in exasperation when she didn‘t get her way, "You guys always go to the bedroom to get your act together and then come out and say the same thing!" She was right. And it seemed to work most of the time.
Hilary Rich and Helaina Kravitz put it this way in their book The Complete Idiot’s Guide to The Perfect Marriage, "The absolute best thing for a child is to see his or her parents are a strong unit and are in agreement, even about punishment. Of course, all kids will try to break parents down. They are experts at sniffing out differences and trying to push two parents apart. Your child might play one of you against the other. This is very normal behavior for a child. The quickest way for a child to outgrow this phase is for his or her parents to stand strong. It is vitally important to keep a united front with your spouse."
Here are two keys for adopting a "united we stand" policy with your spouse:
1. While it’s sometimes a good thing for children to see their parents work out disagreements, it is preferable for them NOT to witness parents arguing about issues that involve them. If a disagreement arises about how to handle a kid issue, tell the child you need to talk to each other for a few minutes. Then take your disagreements to a separate room behind a closed door. Talk through your differences without yelling. When you emerge from the room, have an agreed upon response that you can convey to your child.
2. Don’t undercut your spouse’s authority with your kids. Even if you think your spouse is wrong, don’t correct or interfere with their interaction with the child at that moment (unless real, imminent danger is involved). Privately, after the fact, discuss the issue with your husband or wife.
If some hospital worker whispered in your baby’s ears, as they did in mine, you’ll need to work hard to combat the "divide and conquer" tactic of your kids. Develop a united game plan with your spouse and don’t let your kids conquer you.
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