Stepfamily stepping
Jim Priest
In recent decades there has been a dramatic increase in the number of stepfamilies in America. "Blended families" is the term often used, but family members sometimes get creamed in the blending. Listen to the apprehensions voiced by members of one step family, quoted by Ron Deal in his book, The Smart Step Family:
Mom: I'm afraid it's not going to work, we'll get divorced, and then I will have failed three times. I'm afraid my new husband will get aggravated with my kids and I'm afraid my kids will turn against me because they didn't want me to marry.
Stepfather: I'm afraid to be in another relationship where I'm nobody and have no say about what's going on in the house. I'm afraid if things don't changes I won't ever have a real relationship with her kids and they'll just come and go at the holidays.
Step Son: I want to try to get closer sometimes but then the fear happens and I hide out from doing things with my step father. I want to get close, but not too close for fear of something that might happen in the future.
Although not all step families are as steeped in fear as this one, each faces significant challenges. E. Mavis Hetherington in her book For Better or Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, estimates that it takes most couples five to seven years to get through the tense transition of stepfamily life. That's a long time for a transition! But with perseverance, there is a reward. James Bray conducted the first ten year longitudinal study of stepfamilies in America and discovered that a loving, well functioning stepfamily can, over time, counteract the negative impacts of a divorce. But how does a step family get from "tense transition" to the "positive impact"?
Ron Deal makes a number of excellent suggestions in his book; here is one of the most important: Step families must learn the "two step".
The "two step" is the dance that married couples in stepfamilies learn by making their marriage priority one. While this is important in all families, it is especially critical in step families. 60-65%% of remarriages will end in divorce, most within five years. A big part of the reason? Children. The rate of divorce is 50%% higher in remarriages with step children than in remarriages without. As Deal says, "Striving to make your marriage priority one means balancing commitments to both children and spouse." Difficult as it may seem, spouses must put priority attention on preserving the marriage.
Deal puts it this way: "It is imperative that stepfamily couples learn all they can about healthy marital relationships and give constant attention and energy to strengthening their marriage. A stepfamily in which the couple isn't working toward affirming the importance of their relationship before the children is one destined for mediocrity."
If you're in a stepfamily, you can avoid mediocrity by learning the two step. Place high priority on the marriage relationship. It's one of the key steps in a successful stepfamily.
